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Healing Journey / Re: Car insurance claim, again
« Last post by experimental on June 25, 2017, 08:59:34 PM »
I just spoke to 2 different lawyers and finally have a clearer idea of things. But basically i've been left on the backburner because my case is hard and not very profitable... aaaand i'm stuck with my current place because they've already racked up exorbitant fees that i'll have to pay more of if i left. Time to un-burn that bridge, take whatever I can get and be done with it.
Healing Journey / Re: Saw old t again to pick up files
« Last post by experimental on June 22, 2017, 09:03:56 PM »
Hmm there do seem to be some kind of after-effect. I've been remembering his inadequacies and the helpless conversations where I'd tell him that things aren't being said or parts aren't even here in session but these would slide off the radar, or parts with major issues barely expressing themselves and him saying "it's okay!" with this kind accepting aura that repels these parts and doesn't help them get heard. I remember his perpetual awkwardness about being a therapist and all the rules and attitudes that keep him uncomfortable, like his deeper helper identity having nowhere to go and using me for it. Recurring threads of idealising me, but too underneath to pin down and definitely too DD for him to see. The fact that these may still be somewhat true. I retract what I said about trusting him to know that we indulged in the child parts too much... on some level I know he knows. But I'm not sure if he's aware of the extent of that yet, or if he will ever. And knowing what I know of his own therapist at the time I happened to see her, I wouldn't trust that he knows it well enough at all.

But despite that, much of the normality and 'safety' is restored. I barely remember the glowiness of Tuesday, but I'm fairly confident it's not because it's hidden but it's because it didn't leave as big of an impression on me. At the same time I can also keep the confirmation of who he's always been and his knowing of me (to the extent that he saw and experienced). I've had intermittent contact with him like this, like I've emailed or called from time to time despite not seeing him face to face for 3 years. And each time I'm glad to find that I DO have more capacity to fully process and understand better what's going on. My head says "integrative ability" like some good little schoolkid - i think each time has let me reclaim some of what was destroyed back then.

I also know there's a deeper part of the system where more of this lies. In a way it's easier for me now cos of the emotional distance. But i know even in the years since, that much of it is still buried and has some energy there, that it still has a lot of impact on my life that's yet to be fully seen. I feel like I can finally glimpse it though, and maybe turn that corner soon. I feel bad for all the parts stuck underneath cos the resulting brain injury was so physical and it has a physical component to it that's more stubborn than usual. But I will get there, I really really want to get there.
Healing Journey / Re: Car insurance claim, again
« Last post by experimental on June 21, 2017, 09:48:45 PM »
wow. that sounds difficult.
yeah, i agree that it's not that great for resolving anything.
i thought my case would be 'simple' in that it's just a car accident with a bunch of mostly physical injuries. it exacerbated brain issues that are fairly common in people with whiplash and concussion histories.
but nooo the nature of my prior injury meant that all of the mental health stuff gets brought up.
i'm not sure how much difference a new lawyer will make. i've yet to finalise the stuff with the new lawyer cos of some logistics. i'm kind of scared that it'll not fall through or that it'll be difficult to change. because if my case is too sticky maybe people won't take it, we've already sat on it for over a year and the fees are accumulating :/
Healing Journey / Re: Car insurance claim, again
« Last post by cleo on June 21, 2017, 10:38:23 AM »
Hi experimental

I actually went to court to testify in a criminal trial against my accuser. So a very different circumstance. I was very careful to ensure as much of my history could be excluded as possible.

In the end, i think a lot of feelings get tied up in courts, I don;t think it ever is a good vehicle for resolving the various things that get stirred up emotionally, and I am skeptical about how good it is at resolving the legal issue at hand, whatever it may be.

I don't regret doing it, but I also realized afterwards I had a need I was trying to get met, and it did not accomplish what I wanted it to, and in the end my life and my struggles were all just the same.

Anyway I know this is a different situation, I also think it's very personal, people's opinions and approaches. 
Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: T sounded so frustrated with me
« Last post by experimental on June 21, 2017, 02:47:37 AM »
how are u doing?
we make game plans for when the t fails. like this:
- for little: things might be super super bad but think maybe some of the bad was from way back ages ago, so it doesn't count now and you dont have to worry about it
- for defensive parts: things are still stupid or whatever bad word you like to use, but its not anybody in the system's fault so be gentle on everyone and there can be an easier way out of the mess
- for level-headed ones: we just shuttle back n forth putting out spitfires and rotating through each part on repeat.
cos u gotta stick together and not make it harder on each other or make each other lonelier. 

then before u know it, u find that there is strength! and more ways out!

we still hope the t gets it though and helps you more. and that no msg you leave or don't leave will stand in the way of her helping you all.

Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: T sounded so frustrated with me
« Last post by experimental on June 20, 2017, 07:49:26 PM »
vacations are hard, and 3 weeks is long!
i'm glad you left a message and really really really hope that your t does right by you and gets back to you! hang in there everyone. be good to each other and tolerant of each other, you got this.
Healing Journey / Re: Saw old t again to pick up files
« Last post by experimental on June 20, 2017, 07:46:37 PM »
"pouch"!! That was the word i was looking for, for knitting! though pocket and container both carry meanings as words.
i found some pretty pouches and mini-handbag crochetted things to inspire me :) not sure if i'll follow a pattern or attempt to do it myself despite errr being more beginner than a beginner.
i was quite loopy and spun out yesterday, though not in a bad way. and today i'm alright. i asked inside and it seems okay. something has shifted for the better.

mind you there was some iffy stuff too. but it doesn't feel like it has to be a problem.
i have hope we can touch all of the ones who are still stuck, and allow them to move on forward. i remember 'drifter' and 'periwinkle' which was a part and a vibe of things that were stuck back there. i see a finite-ness to this. there will be more, most probably. but finally i can see freedom much better. in that corner of the system and for the whole life, too.
Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: T sounded so frustrated with me
« Last post by canucklady on June 20, 2017, 02:56:52 PM »
T went on vacation for 3 weeks and when she got back can't seem to connect.   And defensive part is just sort of blocking her out and not trusting her.   I left a message but no call back.

Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: T sounded so frustrated with me
« Last post by experimental on June 19, 2017, 08:03:38 PM »
(((((((littles))))))) (((((((canucklady)))))) :(

hang in there
we are here for you

i hope T reaches out to you. i don't know what your relationship was like before, but no matter what please know that it can be okay. defensive part, even if the T is stupid and wrong it can still be okay. and it can even be okay with T. things could take a bit longer to work out but it's never totally ruined ok? nor is it totally bad or not-ok even if you WANT to ruin it or sever it. give it a chance, i really really really hope you can work it out to a better place. and that T gets better at helping you.
Healing Journey / Re: Saw old t again to pick up files
« Last post by experimental on June 19, 2017, 07:20:30 PM »
Oh man. and on these forums here i was exposed to both the deep safety of t (and just the concept of it, in the kinds of things posters would encourage, like talking to t despite major disconnect and things that are just 'not okay', reporting to t all the chaos and fear) as well as the sense that it's so hard to come by and so unreachable. Yet 3 months in the 5 year old was running amok and i remember his eyes and his eagerness and gentleness. even though things he said always hit me wrong. i hung on then for all of those years for that same thread of hope and connection that i found for the first time with him. right around the same time he was writing these 'clueless' notes. 'attachment problems, ptsd, controlling narcissistic parents'
it was as real then as it is now
if all the safeguards were in place it would have been fine
but they weren't and he didn't know
but there was plenty that was right and i think i can begin to flip that back around and see it from a place of strength and have the parts on board for moving forward. even those parts who were sold short.
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