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Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: ancestry test
« Last post by missatoo on March 25, 2017, 11:29:54 AM »
and ps. I have never had birth parent fantasies or anything like that. or this need to know. other adopted people I know do. I never seemed to and still don't. i never wanted to search or anything. I guess I was already unhappy with the parents I knew. i don't have a burning need to know who they were or anything.

maybe its just simple curiosity.
Dialogue: About Therapy / ancestry test
« Last post by missatoo on March 25, 2017, 11:19:44 AM »
I am going to bring this to T tomorrow, I brought it up a little bit before. but here goes. I ordered this DNA test from ancestry. it was more of an impulsive thing at the time, thinking I could decide later. later is here. to swab or not to swab.

the question is - do I do it? do I analyze my own dna - and find out that I am different than my family's (likely considering I am adopted). I am culturally irish but likely not biologically. does it make a difference? what do I gain? am I rejecting my FOO secretly by doing this? is this a way of separating from them more? do I proceed?

my h. is supportive of me moving forward and finding out. and probably curious himself. does my own biological son deserve to know? I don't think h. knows, not being adopted, how loaded this potentially is. what do you think?

it has nothing to do with health reasons. I don't know obviously but always saw that as a freedom I was happy to have. not to know any family health history. so it is not about that. and the test will not tell me any of that. only likely what my is in my dna in terms of liklihood. and if there is a match in the database - that could happen too.  not something i'd ever be likely to follow up on though.
Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: exhaustion
« Last post by missatoo on March 25, 2017, 11:12:34 AM »
I have wasted about 3 days. that is my thinking right now. as I still wish to take another nap. :)
Dissociation / Re: I got assessed for my insurance claim
« Last post by missatoo on March 25, 2017, 11:11:25 AM »
I took the MMPI once on my own just to see (my denial phase). despite my outwardly normal-looking life, and best efforts to take the test from that point of view, the results were not pretty. in fact, clearly picked up on lots of stuff.

sounds like you are in the proverbial rock and hard place.
Dissociation / Re: Borderline and personality disorders
« Last post by missatoo on March 25, 2017, 11:03:29 AM »
i think the symptoms you display at any given time are important. your body and mind are speaking through your symptoms. it is not as if symptoms or diagnosis don't matter. they do.

however, I am just saying that diagnosis itself is only a guidepost. I guess for me it is now well-established for me that I have some sort of mood disorder (though I do not currently take meds for it) and trauma. we are way past diagnosis at this point. because now in looking back I can see so many of my symptoms differently.

I think some think diagnosis is a validation of their struggles. and in that sense is good for people. though that has never been the case for me I guess so maybe I just don't get it. I just want validation of the struggles I suppose. in my heart, for example, I know I had parts, years before it was ever presented as a diagnosis at all. I knew I was depressed years before there was a name. the name did not give me answers. in fact was worse in some cases. no one could have understood the landmines.  I think too the problem I have with diagnoses is they often fall short - I was never the classic anorexic. nope, not really. No one can decide/agree if I am mildly bipolar or not. I don't fit DID totally - more like DDNOS. fuels more doubt, not more certainty. and what type of category is that anyway. the interplay between all of them is too complex. I am a human being in all its complexity.

searching for that perfect description of me (wherein there would be this magic answer) was fruitless. there was none. 1 or 2 books came close. but is it really not a cover from the realness of it all, an intellectual exercise. a hope there is some easier recipe to follow rather than the very real hard work.

just my thoughts.
Dissociation / Re: Borderline and personality disorders
« Last post by experimental on March 25, 2017, 09:45:22 AM »
Well i think diagnoses are real entities/things. I thought that way before i had any adult understanding of what the DSM is or how diagnoses (of anything, from anywhere) are established. I felt and believed in the validity of these categories including BPD as a teenager and before any influence from any psych person. I think it's up to the diagnoser to understand and exercise their judgment about which thing or things someone has, and which ones are valid and meaningful while others are secondary or a spin-off of something. It may well be both, and it'd be irresponsible not to capture it as such. I later found out there are guidelines and much discussion about these things, especially complicated/ambiguous/conceptually-unclear categories. But that doesn't stop it from being valid. So it bothers me when people say diagnoses don't matter or it's the person that counts or docs/pdocs/professionals/experts/Ts don't know what they're doing and undermine all of it. Because it's real and meaningful to me. And for a long time i wrangled these on my own.

And hey i'm not a doctor or diagnoser or whoever else, but I can see things and I expect and will only give time to doctors who can exercise at least an equal level of clarity and clinical judgment. Of which they are qualified for. I agree many people suck at it despite that. And it's a really awful experience for us when they do. But these are meaningful categories and I want to swim away from the current in survivor communities where believing in yourself and your value or uniqueness equals rejecting these categories and the expertise that sits behind that (or should sit behind that). I feel like i'm trying to keep sight of its value and worth. I'm not either a doc of any sort nor someone helped by one (ie able to finally trust one who is wise and competent and great), so i can't be idealising their greatness, and i have my share of cynicism and bitterness. Not that you guys make me feel that way, but it's just conversations i've been in before elsewhere.

It's up to the diagnoser to exercise an appropriate level of judgment about both the diagnosis and its description. It's up to the reader of my records to exercise sensible judgment about complexity in whatever is described, any overlaps or similar terminology, or variations of the same phenomenon under different terminology or descriptors (even my brain injury has a clusterfk of words). Sometimes it's not realistic to expect anyone coming upon my medical record to understand it all deeply, and you could even say that it's only natural NOT to understand it for most medical contexts, but that doesn't undermine what it is. It's a problem of governance or people (and context) or process, which is a different thing, different discussion.

I certainly don't want to minimise or dismiss the destructive impact of many people with BPD. But the category in itself is meaningful to me and I'm glad and happy that it was seen in me in some way because it's illuminating for a number of things. And also cos i have positive associations with the term to begin with.

And i guess im on a 'psychiatric' swing in rebound from old-t's vague anti-diagnoses position to a detrimental degree. and recently getting in touch with the extent of clinical thought in my head sequestered away all this time. so it's the combo of the two leading to these posts. heh.

FWIW i would most probably not meet criteria now anyway, but aged 16-20 if i went to say a hospital during one of my really bad days (as they say you should do but i never did) and was really honest about everything that was going on and my thought process (which i would never have done cos it was far more about hiding everything), it would be easy and understandable to have diagnosed me BPD.
Dissociation / Re: I got assessed for my insurance claim
« Last post by experimental on March 25, 2017, 08:54:45 AM »
I woke up early only to think about this topic lol...... I don't remember if there was any Qs directly asking about voices actually, but all the paranoia ones and the unusual experiences stuff have me thinking "the parts", and my old struggle about what counts as voices and hallucinations. It used to be a big constant conflict for many years.
Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: exhaustion
« Last post by Wren on March 25, 2017, 04:51:54 AM »
M - Glad you listened to your body and took the PTO!  Exhaustion doesn't always mean manual labor sometimes it can be the stresses of "everything" like you stated.  Hope you feel better!
Dissociation / Re: Borderline and personality disorders
« Last post by HopeIsGentle on March 25, 2017, 01:56:29 AM »
Yes, I think one characteristic of borderlines is expressing the associated emotions much more freely than DIDs tend to.

I think that classifying someone as both DID and BPD, though, would be considered irresponsible diagnosing, unless a strong, long-term case had been built with strong evidence.  It would be a little like diagnosing someone with PTSD and comorbid bipolar disorder.  The therapist would be blurring the lines between the causes of the symptoms and effectively saying he or she didn't want to put forth the effort to get and justify the accurate diagnosis.

Dialogue: About Therapy / Re: exhaustion
« Last post by lionne on March 24, 2017, 09:05:28 PM »
Exhaustion is difficult.  I usually need a nap, light food, and some gentle exercise.... but the difficulty is deciding in which order my body can take that in because I start running round in circles mentally with anxiety and self-judgement.
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