Author Topic: Udate  (Read 86 times)

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sky

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Udate
« on: April 18, 2017, 02:46:08 PM »
Well, I had the lumpectomy and the sentinel lymph node removed. Two weeks out and still sore and scars are bigger than I thought they would be. Margins clear and benign on the node. Besides the papillary carcinoma, they also found a small invasive lobular cancer. Wasn't expecting that and concerns me on what else they are missing. Radiologists having a hard time telling what is going on due to the density of my breasts. MRI's and other scans I do yearly and probably will be doing e every 6 months for awhile cannot catch them. Have had 5 benign breast biopsies in past.

Scheduled in next 2 weeks with a radiation oncologist and medical oncologist for hormone therapy due to the new finding of cancer.

Would have been easier if had not gotten compressed nerve in neck, upper respiratory infection, bronchitis/asthma and all the side effects of steroids and antibiotics to treat these before even had the surgery. Been sick a solid month in one form or another. Plus, had all these other appointments before surgery. Dye, lymphedema therapy, radioactive tracer placed in the breast, doctor appointments, pre-op etc. Grateful I was able to go to therapists and decompress some of the stress during all of this too.

I thought it was going to be easy. It wasn't easy at all. Lots of decisions and stressors. Been busy healing.

On the mend now. Tired of course. Rage raised up and outward in the last week or so. Wanting to be known and accepted after being pushed down since Mid February. Moved from frustration to tolerance to anger to negativity and finally rage. Friends and family have been quite kind and supportive. Am glad we have people and that we did not pop off to medical personnel through this process. Actually, parts did amazingly well.

When I had stage 3 colon cancer surgery and chemo 15 years ago, I just decided why not me? What would make me so special not to get cancer? Seems only fair and am lucky to be alive. Now, there are teen parts who are majorly upset about it being unfair. Plus, have worked hard in therapy over last 20 years and is still plenty more to do. They are thinking that there will be no life left to live if and when get through all of it. Learning this is life.

Will ask for whole body PET/CT scan and thyroid scan to check for other cancers due to my history before agreeing to treatment on breasts. Had a bone scan and it was clear so that was good also. Worried about the heart with afib now and lungs. Technology on radiation has gotten better in last decade on pinpointing the beams away from those organs. Have some major worries inside.

Lots more listening, learning and deciding to do in the next 2 or 3 weeks. Considering all the circumstances-we are doing well.

Been listening and practicing a lot of Tara Brach online. I do think the rage is good to have because they tell people we are to mean to die. ;)

Thanks for reading and hope everyone is doing well as they can considering their own circumstances.

lionne

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Re: Udate
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2017, 08:11:52 PM »
Hi Sky
Reading, admiring, raging with you.
I'm glad you are coherent enough to get the CT and PET scans done.
Agree that "why me" is absurd, but methinks... for the teens it might be something about losing innocence.  Those words seem unfamiliar to me, they come from something I read about a movie, but there is an internal need in me for peace to "make up for" the violent chaos that I grew up within.  Non-stop fight always.  Enough!!! To heal emotionally, I need a lot of "quiet".  Need to actively learn "good stuff".

That's how the young parts of me would respond.  They know they need "good stuff", but it takes downtime to learn something that wasn't given.

Respect your process about this very much!

Lionne
"Every week he chose to open his eyes, to live another day in the world.  He did it when he was feeling so awful that the pain seemed to transport him to another state in which everything seemed to fade. He had such hope, and faith that his hope might be rewarded."  Hanya Yanagihara: A Little Life

cindy

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Re: Udate
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2017, 02:02:19 AM »
Praying it is radiation vs chemo. I'm sorry you have to go thru all this again. You are all fighters and will make it thru.
One minute at a time

missatoo

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Re: Udate
« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2017, 12:03:05 PM »
sending you peace and hugs sky. you have been through a lot. just take care of you and let yourself heal.
Truths needing to be heard but maybe not fact.

sky

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Re: Udate
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2017, 05:31:41 AM »
Thanks all.

lionne, I am wanting to make peace inside because of that violence I grew up with also. Needs healing and understanding and not more of same. Wanting that peace on inside and peace on  the outside that I can control. Rages against wrongs done against us and  and violence when see's it today, even if that is on TV.  Wanting to lash out. Is a lot of energy and passion there. Need to work on it more when not in it so deeply.

CIndy, know chemo, had 36 treatments in past. docs can give me suggestions, risks and benefits and then I choose, not them. do not want to choose out of fear. do know will need some insurance of it spreading. just dont want to be over insured. fight fair is what need to do. learned to fight dirty.

missatoo. thanks for support. turned 60 recently. good words to live by from now on.


cindy

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Re: Udate
« Reply #5 on: April 26, 2017, 03:53:31 PM »
((((((((sky))))))))
One minute at a time

lionne

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Re: Udate
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2017, 09:09:12 PM »
I like what you said about "energy and passion there" Sky.  It's a trip trying to release that potential rather than allow it to destroy:  I'm lost in that journey most days!

Thank you!
"Every week he chose to open his eyes, to live another day in the world.  He did it when he was feeling so awful that the pain seemed to transport him to another state in which everything seemed to fade. He had such hope, and faith that his hope might be rewarded."  Hanya Yanagihara: A Little Life