my T and i are more openly talking about attachment. it is almost a relief to have some words, though i already knew them. i am fearful avoidant to a certain point, and then i become disorganized completely. for some reason, it felt presumptuous of me always to bring it up,, but T did instead. that my issues are also attachment-related. we always feel very insecure, while knowing on some level that it is also not about now. knowing that my fears are unreasonable. though i cant seem to quiet them either. or i feel them and then they seem very real altogether in some sort of emotional flashback we relive over and over.
i think we are back to wondering what is the relationship T and I have. he observes that i don't acknowledge the relationship we do have. and he is right. i don't. because of those attachment issues that leave me drained and conflicted and ambivalent. i know he would tell me to ask him. what is our relationship exactly? to me? to him?
to have an open discussion about it. to tell him of the dissonance. i cant ask for things directly, only indirectly. directly, i chicken out. i know that about myself. that is something i should definitely work on. am trying to work on, taking action. being more open and its like searching for the boundaries and then retreating -- because we are really wanting to know exactly where they are. so we can control them. so we know where safety ends. but at the same time afraid to ask where they are for fear the answer will hurt.
it is a work in progress.
T and i do have a relationship, a therapeutic one. but what is it exactly? do i pay him to care? i know he cares. he demonstrates that to me. is it i need him to fill the holes? or is he more like a coach and i should not expect that.
it probably has something to do with that lack of secure attachment, i am sure.