I wish i could find this one again... That day i was a bit swamped with awful feelings but they were familiar feelings so I pushed them away to get through work. I did try to send a message that i'll come back to it, but i wasn't able to later.
I hope i didn't sever a tie with that part though. i hope shes still got the string.
i'm not even sure how that part ties into the general familiar bad feelings i had, but it might be more related than i think. i glimpsed into a big different world of timelessness and space without features.... i hope im not just holding onto life too tightly to switch there for her. maybe im afraid the switch will be bigger than i knew and i wouldn't come back. yeah... that feeling. well i need to care for the inside world though no matter where it is. and i so wish she'd come visit me again. she was "meh" last time, i hope i didnt make her wanna not return. i hope we inched closer.
even as i think about time for her though.... it's so hard to set aside space and time for it. i wish i could give the parts all the time in the world but im more stuck to real-life these days and its pace and ongoingness. i wish i could take a holiday from reality and be away for long stretches. i have 2 weeks off soon but things planned for it. i hope we still get some unstructured time.
i miss us.
un-dissociation (the move away from it) makes me so inadequate in a way
i wanna be there for all of everybody and their different things
but i wish there was an external person, yeah... maybe that's the thing, maybe they'd like me to find another person cos they dont wanna just rely on me
but we gotta be there for each other and be ok with that cos there are external limitations. that they dont understand. i cant just make things happen. there are limits and logic outside in a way that doesnt apply inside oh guys i wish you knew. hugs.