Author Topic: drifter....  (Read 285 times)

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experimental

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drifter....
« on: March 30, 2017, 10:54:57 AM »
I met a part as I was waking up this morning
Wanted to write something to mark the spot cos I really need to get moving and am late

I'm calling it drifter
It's going to another world, so much sadness and loneliness
Was drifting on a little rafter made of just a piece of wood
I tried to follow but it's flimsy in my boat
She likes it that way - to drift alone with vast sadness and lack of geography
I wanna keep sight of her
It's my agenda tho I'm aware I wanna be close to her but not the other way around
Trying to respect her space but I miss her
Who even is this, echoes of the hitting incident
(W old t almost 4 years ago now and the tone of the brain injury physiological stuff hard to describe)

Soo late gotta run
Ugh real life
"I'll be back for u hon"

experimental

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Re: drifter....
« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2017, 03:45:42 PM »
Lunch time
Ok well something's up
Been so sensitive and in a weird space
It's not a bad space, but it's painful and big and mind-shifting
Wonder if this is where the drifter was taking me
I tied a rope to her raft before we woke up fully, I made sure she had a link to me
I hope it lasted
Flash-memory of old t: "it's a little baby"
Is this about the one he's met
Wonder if yesterday inadvertently unlocked something
There's probably more to it
I wish somebody outside could be there for the dark hidden spaces
But it's just gotta be me now
And us sticking together

experimental

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Re: drifter....
« Reply #2 on: March 30, 2017, 04:15:40 PM »
Ohhh it's a trauma part across the ages
And a bit see-through
But she's been paddling forever
Across time
I know why now, what reminded of this stuff yesterday
Counting down the hours to go home but am busy and have a meeting so need to get out of this funk
I'm sad
It's been so long
I wanna get back to her
Wish we had somebody tho, just swimming like this isn't enough

experimental

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Re: drifter....
« Reply #3 on: March 30, 2017, 06:54:48 PM »
uggg i'll think twice before tying a string to trauma parts next time........


experimental

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Re: drifter....
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2017, 11:03:53 AM »
I wish i could find this one again... That day i was a bit swamped with awful feelings but they were familiar feelings so I pushed them away to get through work. I did try to send a message that i'll come back to it, but i wasn't able to later.

I hope i didn't sever a tie with that part though. i hope shes still got the string.

i'm not even sure how that part ties into the general familiar bad feelings i had, but it might be more related than i think. i glimpsed into a big different world of timelessness and space without features.... i hope im not just holding onto life too tightly to switch there for her. maybe im afraid the switch will be bigger than i knew and i wouldn't come back. yeah... that feeling. well i need to care for the inside world though no matter where it is. and i so wish she'd come visit me again. she was "meh" last time, i hope i didnt make her wanna not return. i hope we inched closer.

even as i think about time for her though.... it's so hard to set aside space and time for it. i wish i could give the parts all the time in the world but im more stuck to real-life these days and its pace and ongoingness. i wish i could take a holiday from reality and be away for long stretches. i have 2 weeks off soon but things planned for it. i hope we still get some unstructured time.

i miss us.
un-dissociation (the move away from it) makes me so inadequate in a way
i wanna be there for all of everybody and their different things
but i wish there was an external person, yeah... maybe that's the thing, maybe they'd like me to find another person cos they dont wanna just rely on me
but we gotta be there for each other and be ok with that cos there are external limitations. that they dont understand. i cant just make things happen. there are limits and logic outside in a way that doesnt apply inside oh guys i wish you knew. hugs.


experimental

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Re: drifter....
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2017, 04:45:46 PM »
Hey I pulled on the string and felt a tug!!
In my mind space still. But it's there YAY
So proud of these little ones giving me a chance
I'll get to you hon
With it I see a bit more of that world and the related bits to the stuff I was getting that day when I made the post
Oh thank you little one we are never far
You're always right here with me over in this world okay
I've got you, I can't be lost
Whatever you have we can hold together
Me with my arms around and outside if I'm not so good at touching it
But always here with you like we said

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Re: drifter....
« Reply #6 on: April 08, 2017, 03:36:20 AM »
sending support to all of you. really.
Truths needing to be heard but maybe not fact.