Thank you for all your replies. Sorry for the late reply, I kinda kept wanting to reply to various aspects then got lost in my thoughts haha........ And I got discouraged about this topic after following my therapist's referral led to not much.
But wow you guys sound so distant and foreign to the borderline category/label. I wouldnt want us to hold that much negativity about borderline/BPD. I guess i'm sort of lucky in that I avoided a lot of the judgment from others by being very contained and having a clean image all my life. So i'm sorry for anyone who had to experience that or even to have that concept/entity in their minds about borderline. (not that i think i fit BPD squarely) I first came upon the term in articles that were advocating for better understanding and they sounded a lot more compassionate than judgmental. And i guess they brought out a lot of its essence and vibe without so much of the behavioural issues or disruptive and inconsiderate tendencies. I feel like these tendencies maybe run counter to what the survivor community identifies with cos so many of us have lived in silence and internalised stuff without being able to act out in any way.
To me, being 'borderline' is having an exquisite sensitivity about life, the intensity of the beauty in it and having the strength and tolerance for the difficulties. It's a sharp awareness of being alive and its vulnerabilities, and not being afraid to live. It's a graceful kind of rebellion against norms and complacency just by being and living, not necessarily actively "advocating" for anything. It's being in touch with the ambiguities and fragility of the world and having enough clarity to see that. Most of the people I've known who have a BPD diagnosis at some point are also mellow, wise and insightful to have come along the way. They have a certain kind of empathy and awareness of others. But within all that they're still 'borderline', there's something in the quality of who they are and their personality structure that rings of living so closely to a kind of naked honesty. It's being more existentially aware but still not having a self and constantly fighting against the void with so much intensity. (and i see 'personality structure' before i ever read it that way)
I dunno, i dont want to romanticise/talk-up it to something it's not and more than ever i see how much that kind of existence makes one blind to the ordinary needs of life and the meaningful things in having structure and order and acknowledging basic needs. Like eating and sleeping and relationships in whatever form. That it's 'dangerous' to identify too closely with this kind of erratic existence and that you can't escape basic needs or society in general. But it still means a lot to me, and i think it has its place in the world/universe and it matters, in its own right. Even if i move away from that, which i find myself already having done, it's not something i'd wanna throw away as a product of a disorder or 'error of my ways' kind of thing.
In the DID community there is plenty of these experiences so i've found that i'm not alone... but it was this link back to the borderline stuff that made me realise how much of the inexplicable and elusive have been the infant attachment thing all along and how much of my fragmentation mediates against the pain of separation. That's attachment and dissociation, not even necessarily BPD I guess, but to me, there is a thread there that have always been meaningful to me and now i finally have a flag for where it is and what it is.
The referral was to (I'm gonna name him, now that i am far enough away from him heh) professor Russell Meares. He doesn't have a lot of published works but what i have known had resonated long ago and he writes about dissociation in terms of failure of relatedness and self concept (dont quote me on this, my thoughts only) in a developmental and neuro way. (Btw i also discovered that brain injury really pushes people that way and im so sad about that, theres a study cited) Anyway, it just seemed more true to my sense of fragmentation and overlappy parts with a high level of un-formed-ness than systems whose parts are more established and in a lot of ways more level headed than I. Not that there are clearcut lines, but it meant something to me.
There used to be 'subtypes'... i wonder if someone's less likely to be diagnosed it if they're one of the less disruptive subtypes, heh. I related to those and felt a thread of hope for it capturing a variety as a category. I got more cynical when psych class was a lot more rigid about it so i ignored those a bit. i turn away from things that predominantly refer to self harm or chaotic disregard for others. I don't relate well to those either. though i do relate to compulsive self harm, and i haven't done it, and some parts are/were holding out in identification with that and in loyalty to that. So haha, you caught me