Author Topic: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...  (Read 1198 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

lionne

  • Sr. Member

  • Offline
  • ****
  • 345
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #75 on: March 18, 2017, 10:25:04 PM »
"this lady isn't taking new clients but may do in the future".

I just noticed this and wanted to comment that asking to waitlist with this lady would give you the option of taking up a place with her if it came up and you still need it.

I know wait-listing feels too indefinite to be useful!!! you are separating from a therapist who felt just right!!! and you might not like the new one anyway!!!  It's difficult to put stuff in place that only might happen in the future, but perhaps it's the only way to get an experienced, competent therapist?  Act objectively, then check in emotionally if/ when it's offered to you.

Consider doing it in the same way that you consider planning for college a year ahead, or buying a car - because it is an objective situation (not enough good therapists) as well as a subjective one??
"Every week he chose to open his eyes, to live another day in the world.  He did it when he was feeling so awful that the pain seemed to transport him to another state in which everything seemed to fade. He had such hope, and faith that his hope might be rewarded."  Hanya Yanagihara: A Little Life

experimental

  • Hero Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • 837
  • Personal Text
    I'm new here! :)
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #76 on: March 20, 2017, 03:46:20 PM »
Having a really awful time :(

missatoo

  • Sr. Member

  • Offline
  • ****
  • 401
  • Personal Text
    Happy to be back!
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #77 on: March 20, 2017, 10:48:04 PM »
thinking of you exp.
Truths needing to be heard but maybe not fact.

Wren

  • Newbie

  • Offline
  • *
  • 31
  • Personal Text
    I'm new here! :)
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #78 on: March 20, 2017, 11:02:38 PM »
I'm so sorry it is so hard for you right now.  Remember to rest - especially with TBI - rest is important.

experimental

  • Hero Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • 837
  • Personal Text
    I'm new here! :)
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #79 on: March 21, 2017, 03:10:38 PM »
thank you missatoo and Wren. and thanks for remembering about my TBI.


experimental

  • Hero Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • 837
  • Personal Text
    I'm new here! :)
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #80 on: March 21, 2017, 03:42:56 PM »
i just had a call with someone from the hospital program. wow, she talked to me for 20 mins. we arranged this phone call after i contacted her and her phone kept cutting out repeatedly so she arranged a time to call me. it sounds like she set aside time to talk to me but she just wanted to give me lots of info. which was really helpful. but i didnt get time to think or talk back really. im feeling scattered today so that didn't help. i contacted her cos i contacted the referral that the recent T sent me and i tend to contact 2 at a time cos i don't handle waiting on 1 person very well and put so much pressure onto them and myself.

she gave me 3 peoples names in my city but said she can't vouch for anyone as she doesn't know them. then she went on to summarise the landscape in sydney. she said there are 3 main training institutions who would recognise and help with DID. she said it sounds like im more comfortable with ISSTD (and im embarrassed by how much ive already told her about me in email) and they have the phased approach to trauma which she would recommend that i seek out. but she knows that would have to be in sydney. she said shes trying to think of someone who would go to the international conferences or be involved but the ones she knows are either retiring or not taking anyone for a long time. she did give me someone's name who might "talk to me" though, and said they'll probably try to refer me to herself but she is not taking new longterm clients and definitely not over skype. and that she needs to balance her caseload (lol, thanks for being honest. it was such frank and open info for 20 mins im so glad to have some clarity for once). she recommended that i get on the waiting list for the hospital program. even though the program strongly seemed to recommend me not go on there, when i spoke to them. she said get on there as it will be 2+ years anyway and i can drop out later if it's fine by then. it really gives me the sense that options are limited elsewhere and to be prepared to wait that long. she said the program is 1 or 2 years on twice a week therapy, and that they are getting strict and i probably will be on the 1 year timeframe. after that, some patients stay with the therapist into private practice and negotiate a fee. i forgot the details but i think the program is done by highly supervised interns and when they graduate they take some of their clients with them. that would make sense then that they'd have a list of recent graduates in a spreadsheet. she said people from the program would be familiar with dissociation and at least be familiar with the trauma model and she kept mentioning the person who heads all that whom my T was referred to so i really hope i dont sound like a fan who's just trying to get close to this guy. i'm definitely not a fan. idk why im so ashamed/embarrassed of the possibility of giving that idea.

She said then there's the psychoanalytic society. She assumed i've not met an actual analyst but i said i have and told her about MB and she asked me to name her so i did but i feel cringey about that now. i didn't do analysis with her but she has primarily an analytical background and everything else is in an analytical framework ultimately. she's trauma informed and i said i dunno how to approach therapists who aren't but who appear confident with DID (thinking of old T's T, as well as one that i didnt end up seeing) but there are so many things between parts that im afraid for it to be de-emphasised so much that the real dangers aren't seen. She said the hospital program would have a big emphasis on safety (not quite what i meant but i didnt have the chance to talk more) and establishing that first. and that analysts might have a different way of approaching dissociation that's not as detailed as ISSTD if i'd come to expect that sort of thing, but they might have a bigger picture without talking to alters so to speak and just work with whats there. well i'm wary of that without all the safeguards and proactive efforts to engage with parts or to at least be aware of "who/how/why" they might be, without them having to make themselves obvious. Some things can be preempted and there are deeper principles underlying all those parts than "well stay safe and be stable and steer clear of abuse".... but anyway i didn't get to say that as she wrapped up and told me she has to go.

But im writing it here for my own record and memory. and words in case i need to use em!

man i so dont wanna spend energy on this anymore. but when things are here i guess i sort of dont want to miss out either.

she recommends getting on the hospital waiting list, speaking to and trying to work with the people she mentioned in my city, talking to the 1 person from ISSTD who "may be able to talk to me" about my next steps but definitely not take me, and checking out another program that is associated with the analytic training institution that assesses people before referring them to someone suitable within their area. the assessment process takes a few months or more of waiting so she said get onto that too.

hm. its all kind of, i dunno, "get onto everything!!"

i might just sit here inactive for a bit

in other news my work team is having massive changes and i really feel like EMBRACE THE UPHEAVAL WOOHOO
 

experimental

  • Hero Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • 837
  • Personal Text
    I'm new here! :)
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #81 on: March 21, 2017, 04:21:17 PM »
and she said ive done well for getting as far as i have now. and said its good that ive found the hospital program. and that she thinks its a terrible situation that its true that i dont know what im getting into until i see and work with a T and that it sounds like the whole experience has been traumatic. but that ive done well to have gotten as far as i have (i think she means finding a T, not as in my life) and that ive had some therapy. she said it sounds like i will need a few years at least (lol its funny how in real life the timeframe is shortened when to me a few years is hardly anything. and i think a year or two in that program wont be enough for so many people and then they're out with their intern therapist it makes me sad and not wanna be on the list taking up more space)

it was good to get a view finally. im putting it all down to remember and reread if i get freaked out by a T again and their wacky perspectives lol.
i wasnt comfortable with her simplistic summary of the phased approach alongside saying that its kind of OK to not address parts but i see that ISSTD has me expecting a lot more out of what therapists think both of these things are. yet i dont think less would be enough. the T that just left me knows plenty if you compare it to that. but yeah, it's different in a way because the hospital program would have its own skillset that is different and probably has things covered differently. but im gonna trust my instincts about "different" things that are way out off the left field.


experimental

  • Hero Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • 837
  • Personal Text
    I'm new here! :)
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #82 on: March 23, 2017, 05:16:22 PM »
heyyyy i just checked out the clinic. it looks interesting for physio and chinese medicine. i have triggers about chinese medicine but i think an airy pretentious place will help me not get triggered LOL. now that i dont have T i have $ to experiment hmmmmmMmmm

edit: i meant to post this in the insurance topic but accidentally posted it here.
my dandelion necklace arrived today :)
idk if i'll follow through with the flotation thing, probably not. but i :) the necklace and warmed up to the bunny
i think we're good now
emailed her that the dandelion is here ;) tshhhh its email-cheating but she loves this stuff ;D
« Last Edit: March 24, 2017, 01:01:45 AM by experimental »

missatoo

  • Sr. Member

  • Offline
  • ****
  • 401
  • Personal Text
    Happy to be back!
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #83 on: March 24, 2017, 04:46:24 AM »
its nice this person spent so much time talking to you and helping you understand the options. at least you have a better idea what they are and what they entail. so at least you have choices and options to consider.

glad you are in a better place today and have your dandelion. :)
Truths needing to be heard but maybe not fact.

experimental

  • Hero Member

  • Offline
  • *****
  • 837
  • Personal Text
    I'm new here! :)
Re: Wow, reeling. T left me. but not badly...
« Reply #84 on: March 29, 2017, 08:54:34 PM »
Okaaaay.. so I followed up on the people whom she named in my city. 1 is on maternity leave and the other 2 had time. I went in with the internal agreement that it's just to check them out and not to start therapy right away.

1 was ok but i wasn't totally comfortable with everything. it felt difficult to ask her how she worked but she had kind of a nice appreciation of parts and seems really child-friendly.

the other one, i just met her today. i told #1 i was going to see her too and she said she'd recommend her highly too. well, i met her and she basically recommended me to 'rest' and take a break from therapy. she said ive been through too much with it. she said "sorry for my profession" - LOL. is that, is that a thing? she said i need someone robust and she's not sure if she has the flexibility or wherewithal at this stage in her life. she says she'll talk to her mentors before getting back to me next week, but either way i should take a break for a few months at least. i said i was thinking of that anyway but just didn't want to miss out on meeting with her. she said she honestly can't think of anyone in my city to recommend but i can ask her things and be in touch with her either later down the line or if i decide to take a longer break and need to ask for referrals later for any city.

i'm glad she sees the 'wherewithal' needed. but wow its weird to go around being this client who hurt herself and cant find a therapist able to work with her. she made a ":/" face and jokingly said im scaring her when i told her my last t's position. but later she did ask if i worry that im too difficult for therapists. i told her i havent had the luxury to be afraid of that and i AM difficult and i'd rather it be known upfront than work with someone when it's gonna fail anyway and i don't feel like i can trust the T to know if they will be enough. but that yeah i've felt like im too much or too messed up but i've had to get myself and my system grounded and have clear eyes about what i need in a therapist and to filter the substance from the talk. and she is basically like: yeah.

in the beginning i felt like i had to fight to convey myself and was getting a bit triggered by her and i told her that. she said that it sounded like im saying that we aren't a good fit. but i wasn't, i was just telling her that im triggered by that and also that i thought we'd make it better. thats when she drew herself back a bit and said 'its yes and no'. on one hand we'd just be fighting against too much if the way she is triggers me. but perhaps ive been too hurt by everything and would react that way to a broad range of things. i said yes it's that. and she said in that case we'd need to work hard with that, but shes not sure if she has the wherewithal at this point in her life.

i think a break would be good.
i'd like to write to the last T to tell her about this. she really tried to find me someone so i'd like her to know. but i notice i really miss her and i dont wanna bring all that up. maybe in a few days. i miss her a lot. im sad to lose her. i can feel the pain of it, how i wish i was normal enough to keep her. how everything made me lose even more so each loss makes it harder for me to find stability and connection.