Author Topic: Concerned  (Read 423 times)

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Butterfly

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Concerned
« on: February 24, 2017, 07:59:54 AM »
I wasn't sure which thread this might be in so I thought I'd put it in here. I have been struggling with the appearance of crows over the past number of years. I have come to associate them with a very negative situation in the past and even though I tell myself that they are only crows and that they are where they are because they like to be in the area, it touches something inside that causes me to cringe. I've wondered and prayed about this issue a number of times and it still comes up. Each time though when it does come up, the hold inside is less and does not hit as hard as it once did. As soon as I noticed them today, a song that includes these lyrics came up: "Jesus is stronger, Our God is greater, He can do all things..." I'm grasping on to these words as a source of strength right now. I feel the "tear" on the inside as I type this. It is like a ripping on the inside. I really don't know why it comes up every once in a while. I have the idea that it has to do with the spirit realm. Perhaps God wants to help me through it more deeper or something of that nature.

It is not a happiness or peaceful feeling at all. I have over come this before and I will again. It's just rather disturbing and I really don't like this at all. I feel condemned for some reason. I can't say what it is though because I really don't know why. It just sits there and wrecks havoc inside. I have my own theory why, but I don't know for sure if that is the reason.I will tell you that the event that was very prominent in my memory has to do when I was an adult that brought it to my attention. It had to do with severe paranoia that influenced my actions for a period of time- causing great distress for me and made my pastor at the time ask me what was going  on in my life because of my behaviour. I look at it as a huge attack from the enemy's camp. My thoughts weren't exactly positive during that time either. I had no one to talk to about what was happening- I was afraid if my pastor found out that I'd be asked to leave the church; that I wasn't a child of God because this was happening to me. I realize now that these were all lies at the time, but I believed them to be true. I have experienced some ritual abuse as a child and think that it might be somehow connected though I know not how, it may not even be connected at all. These are two parts of the puzzle that I have come to think may be connected.

So the crows appearance during this time became associated with this experience. So I don't know why this causes me such distress. But I am praying and asking God for direction and wisdom in knowing how to handle this.
"And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32)

HopeIsGentle

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2017, 02:43:50 PM »
Hi, rainbow butterfly, you probably remember me since my username hasn't really changed. 

I noticed you didn't really get any replies   :( .  I don't know too much to say but I can think of a few things.  First, crows are pests and there are superstitions about them.  But maybe this is more about you and your personal inclinations and what you want to do with the subject matter.  I really didn't understand all of that, what the sense of it is to you. 

Sometimes it helps just to have a response, though.
The experience of victory makes a struggle feel worth repeating.

Butterfly

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2017, 10:45:31 AM »
Hi HopeisGentle,

Thanks for your reply. I do remember you from before- nice to see you are here on the forums. The personal thing that comes to me is that I was thinking that this paranoia doesn't happen to a child of God and I thought that if I told my pastor about what was happening and how I perceived it that he would kick me out of the church; as my thinking went: how could I be a child of God and have all this evil stuff happening to you. You can't tell them, what will they think, they can't help you. You aren't a child of God, God wouldn't have this happen to His children. I thought that 'they" were after me- they being the police and being put in jail or something, i thought that this can't happen to a child of God so why is it happening to me and since this is happening to me then I can't be a child of God and if I'm not a child of God then I can't tell the pastor because he would not let me come to church with this kind of evil thing inside me. I had started to see crows around during this time and I came to associate them with not being a child of God and when they cawed or flew in my pathway that they were telling me that something bad was going to happen- either to me or to those I came into contact with. Often I would see bad things happen to others around me after I heard them cawing. It was very hard to just see them as birds flying around making their noise because that's just what they did. There was just way too many negative associations that I had come to believe as true deep down inside.

I have been slowly get desensitized to these associations. It still triggers to some small degree all this negative stuff that I mentioned above. I know it's not true and that I am a child of God. God has shown me this truth over and over again even when I have doubted it many times over. I have learnt not to focus on these negative things and to focus on what God says about me and that I am a child of God. I've had to tell myself this over and over every time the crows would caw and fly in my pathway, I would choose to ignore what I had thought to be true. I would distract myself so I wouldn't dwell on the negative. this helped tremendously- the distracting.

Also in addition to these things I was working full-time doing a 10 hour day as a nanny that was causing some distress, Also I had asked my ex to leave so I was living alone. We had a boarder staying with us which was also distressing for me as well. I was scared being on my own and having to pay the bills which he used to do. The starting of it was when I thought Satan was mad at me for destroying two dragon vases-  I had heard a hissing sound while I was destroying them inside a garbage bag. This scared me a lot. I thought that Satan is bigger and stronger than I am and he can do bad things to me- i had seen movies like the exorcist and so I thought I was being attacked by Satan because I heard the hissing sound. I didn't know who to ask for help or to get any input in regards to this to see what they thought about this. That night I felt an oppressive force push down on my chest as I lay in bed and I couldn't move. I couldn't even say the name of Jesus to get this to leave me alone. Now I was very convinced that if I were a child of God then this wouldn't be happening to me because this type of thing doesn't happen to children of God. I was very much deceived into believing these lies.

So I have talked to T about this and we have talked it through and she has helped me see the truth. I am in a better place now than where I was when the above stuff happened. I am still boggled as to why this comes up so frequently and I am trying so hard not to focus on the negative and think good things.

I don't know what to do about it anymore.
"And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32)

HopeIsGentle

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2017, 01:51:44 PM »
I wish I could give you a hug. 

This is probably the exact wrong thing to say.  But sometimes having understanding and non-judgmental people just to be nearby makes such a difference.

I identify with what you said -- that sometimes fundamentalists teach that it's right to feel guilt for feeling fear.

How could that be right?  Trusting in a higher power is about calm of soul and peace in heart.  Guilt is more upsetting.  I feel more anxious when I feel guilt and shame than when I feel only fear.  But the right sense of presence takes away a need to feel a sense of shame.   :)

I think because of that sense of guilt in addition to the sense of fear, I train out my legitimate fear feelings and train myself to feel calm because to be afraid would be a sin in someone's eyes.  The fear itself is almost a greater danger than the danger -- not quite, depending on what the danger is or seems to be. 

But people around me train that too.  People are always trying to startle me amid threats of legal action for self-defense.

I think that for me, the fear of real consequences for feeling fear can overwhelm the fear and teach me to genuinely feel calm.  But I think that might actually be less sane than it would be to simply be aware that I have an irrational fear, like you are. 

Your ex didn't make you feel less fear?  I think I would be less afraid in general if I lived with a man.  But I have been told in the past that that is not a good reason to stop fearing and it's better then to maintain my startle response.

Anyway, you know what I think about crows?  Their calls are so annoying that they'd upset anybody's nerves, fear or no fear.  And they're not particularly beautiful or peaceful-looking, either. 

I don't know about being attacked by Satan.  The easiest way to interpret something is always the most familiar.  Thinking about it in terms of peace of spirit seems much more sane than the conspiracy theories. 
The experience of victory makes a struggle feel worth repeating.

sky

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2017, 03:00:29 PM »
I did read your post and wanted to respond but didn't due to my current physical situation.

May trigger.

I can tell you this from what I do know. I experienced ritual abuse and most animals, birds and anything else (including God) they can use to scare or threaten you with to protect themselves- they will do. Crows were one of the first things I remembered when I started remembering the abuse and that did happen in the month of February. Coincidence? I don't know?  I was told crows can talk and were all over farm growing up. If I talked/told on abusers the crows would tell them and then I would get it. When your little you believe everything they tell you and if you don't they will make sure you do. I always remember going with my dad to visit a man who lived in a caboose who had a pet crow. Was told it could talk because they split its tongue. They did back up their threats with reality so there was a cover story to confuse me if ever did remember. 
I know ritual abuse is creepy but most of mine was a pack of lies and trickery to protect abusers

I got over it by watching a documentary about how incredibly smart crows actually are. Crows do communicate with other crows but not humans.
My daughter is a birder and she taught me even more about crows as she learned about birds growing up. Crows are not bad birds, annoying sometimes but nothing like a insane flock of invasive species, such as starlings all over my yard and trees.

I try to put it in perspective and remember that my mind is sound even though it was filled with BS from the past.

This may not have anything to do with your abuse and am only letting you know it is possible.

Wishing you wellness and continued healing.

HopeIsGentle

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2017, 09:01:35 PM »
The stigma issues are no joke, even if the fear is from inside.

That's bad enough, so much internal condemnation.  But in some fundamentalist places the stigma of fear is part of the stigma of singleness which is an issue rainbow mentioned too although I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds bringing up feminist issues.

It goes back to another time, traditional gender roles, when a woman would show interest in a man by displaying fear to him.  And Hollywood.

So fear is permissible for a married woman, but a single fundamentalist who shows it had to be castigated for tempting men.  It hardens you and erodes your ability to access your own character assets.  And there's no way out of that downward spiral when you genuinely are afraid.

I thought rainbow might sympathize with that a little with the split and ex issues?  Forgive me if I've talked too much about myself.
The experience of victory makes a struggle feel worth repeating.

Butterfly

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2017, 05:19:09 AM »
Thanks Sky for your response. I appreciate your sharing about crows. I'm glad I'm not alone in this. It's just kind of creepy when they keep on appearing for whatever reason they appear. It stirs up bad feelings inside that I have failed and therefore I'm not a good person and ppl won't like me, you're bad for having these bad feelings, don't tell anyone or they will think you're crazy. I just can't grab onto why it still has a hold on me when I've de-sensitized myself so much to these negative thoughts and feelings. I cave in on the inside and I don't like it at all, perhaps somewhere back in the abuse they used this kind of talk that they did with you. I really don't know. As far as I know at this point in time I have no recollection whatsoever in regards to this.

The whole experience I would rather just put it all behind me and move on from this. To a large extent I have already. I will have to seek God on this and ask Him how I will handle this annoying experience.

HopeisGentle: Perhaps fear has been focused on in this entire experience and in so doing I have opened up a huge door that is very hard to shut even with the truth I now hold onto.I think a lot of the demonic has taken advantage of this and entered in and made their home inside. While I am busy trying to get these intruders out they like to throw it in my face and wave their flags and say look we're still here and this is our property. We own it and we're not moving out any time soon. As I write this out I am seeing how the lies that they base their claim on are weakening. I have to get this firmly inside- everyone needs to get this- I don't think all my parts have got the truth yet- some of the younger ones still believe that the Evil one is stronger than they are- like an abuser... :(
"And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32)

HopeIsGentle

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2017, 09:20:07 AM »
I am finding the talk about the demonic a little upsetting and probably will practice some self-care by avoiding this thread for a bit but I'm glad to see that Butterfly and Sky are giving some good support to each other.  When I feel a bit stronger in myself I can return to it, but I have been feeling very drained for many reasons and have some things that I need to focus my attention on.
The experience of victory makes a struggle feel worth repeating.

HopeIsGentle

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #8 on: March 18, 2017, 03:55:14 PM »
I feel horrible about myself for making my post about me.  Maybe I should leave this thread to those who can contribute to it and start my own if any of my material needs attention.
The experience of victory makes a struggle feel worth repeating.

Ofelia

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #9 on: April 26, 2017, 05:51:24 AM »
Hi Butterfly

The awesome thing about God is, that He is rich in mercy and wants to forgive us. He wants to adopt us and make us His children.
And what is even more awesome is, that we dont have to do anything for God to adopt us other than believe in His son and confess our sins (and turn from them). His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth paid our fine. We are free, blameless.

Therefore, if you believe in Jesus and confess your sins, you will be adopted by God as His child.

I struggled with this too, slipping into thinking that I need to be good to be God's child. Totally forgetting that I am not good (in God's eyes). Meaning, full of sin. I am a sinner by nature. Therefore no matter how good my deeds, I will not become a child of God by my deeds and actions.  Only by faith. And "blessed are those who believe without seeing"

Now when I get bad memories, or internal attacks that want to push me off the path, I pray to God and believe Jesus will sort it. And He does. For Jesus to work, I must let go. I must stop my self righteousness.

God bless you
I am beginning to rest in the majesty of my essential nature. Perhaps I need not ‘heal’ my experience, but hold it, and welcome it into the crucible of aliveness.
- Matt Licata

Butterfly

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Re: Concerned
« Reply #10 on: May 17, 2017, 01:42:10 AM »
Yes Ofelia, I have to remind myself that I am His child. I realize this crow bit captures me and I go down hill from there. God often reminds of this truth. Sometimes I hear it as a song- I am a child of God- no longer a slave to fear- I am a child of God- I love theses lyrics. Yes He is faithful to help us through these things and  I so appreciate that! I just need to keep going because I am an over comer because He has over come the world!
"And you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free" (John 8:32)